inBachs / Insecurity Isn't Failure

It is exceedingly normal in our industry to feel insecure. 

That insecurity often comes from feeling “behind”, especially when we compare ourselves to the career paths of our mentors or peers. We see the steps taken by another and assume our path should be just as linear. 

Other times, that insecurity comes from taking a different path altogether. Charting our own course and doing something a bit less common compared to those same mentors and colleagues can feel like we are doing it “wrong” in some way. 

I often feel insecure about my music career. 

During my undergraduate and graduate studies, my path forward felt crystal clear: complete a terminal degree and win an orchestral audition or academic position. About halfway through my master's degree at UGA, I realized that the normal path was feeling less exciting by the day. That conclusion, honestly, rocked my world. I felt lost and frustrated, though I still enjoyed my work and making music with colleagues. 

A gap year before pursuing a DMA felt like the most reasonable option, given how unsure the path now felt. Teaching lessons had been a source of joy for years, and some quick math showed me that growing an independent studio could provide a really comfortable income. I had worked in marketing to fund my music degrees, so growing my private lesson studio was a relatively quick process. Three months and 43 students later, I was fully employed in music. 

That should have felt like a huge win…but I still felt like a failure.

I wasn’t on a stage. I wasn’t in a DMA program. I wasn’t taking auditions. Heck, I was barely performing. It’s an incredibly deflating experience to achieve a major goal and still feel like you’re not enough. 

I didn’t realize at that point just how common that feeling is among musicians and artists. As COVID shutdown paused performance opportunities, colleagues started asking for advice on growing a lesson studio to fill income gaps & create stability. Those chats became a 20-hour-per-week hobby while stuck at home in 2020. Now, that hobby as grown into a team of 7 musicians helping colleagues create a total of $16.3 million in new collected studio revenue through Outside The Bachs.

…and I STILL feel like a failure some days.

Last night, I rehearsed with an orchestra for the first time in over 18 months. I have a multitude of excuses for that, including TMJ pain and a wild work schedule. The easiest explanation is that my focus is just elsewhere. I miss playing, though, so when the opportunity to read through orchestral rep this summer came my way, I took it. (Although I did commit late and have considered bailing every day since.)

Playing in front of others already brings me performance anxiety, and that feeling has only grown with time away from performing. The nerves kicked into overdrive last night when I walked into the room, saw a professor I had previously worked with, and she asked where I was playing these days. 

My career path is, admittedly, strange. As our team grows and client results improve, it does make me feel more confident when explaining Outside The Bachs…but I still felt insecure admitting to my professor that I wasn’t really playing much at all.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize over the past few years: 

Insecurity isn’t a sign of failure. Rather, I’ve started embracing it as a sign of bravery. 

Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, insecurity, doubt, or overwhelm; it’s still taking action when those feelings are present. 

We are brave as musicians. We step on stage even when our hands shake, and our breath is unsteady. We share our art form with vulnerability in front of strangers. We chose a career field knowing full well that the odds were stacked against us. 

Wherever you are in your music career, and wherever the path takes you next, please allow yourself to celebrate that bravery with me. You are working so hard, and incredible opportunities are coming your way. I can’t wait to see what the next chapter holds.